Let’s talk straight for a moment about how to overcome the fear of rejection and how to stop being afraid of women in general. Below, I’ll reveal a big secret which will help you get over it so you can stop being scared of rejection.
You’ll also learn why REJECTION IS THE DEFAULT STATE when it comes to approaching women. And what you can do to minimize it as much as possible.
The subject of being afraid of women has always intrigued me. Probably because I was terrified of speaking to girls myself until I was about 18-19 years old.
I mean, I could easily go up to a girl and talk to her about various things that were relevant and non-sexual. Like school, work, gaming, essays, sports and so on and so forth. I had absolutely no problems with that and with making friends in general.
But as soon as I started to get interested in a girl sexually, all of that went flying out the window and I’d become a FUCKING MESS. Because I was instantly affected by rejection anxiety.
So let’s delve deep into the topic of how to get over fear of rejection as it’s a pretty tough one to crack.
Table of Contents
- 1 When The Mind Goes Blank Around Women – Fear Of Girls
- 2 How To Overcome Fear Of Rejection In A Few Simple Steps
- 3 The Final Step In How To Get Over Fear Of Rejection
When The Mind Goes Blank Around Women – Fear Of Girls
When I found myself near an attractive girl I liked, every intelligent, clever, witty, smart and funny semblance of thought I had suddenly evaporated from my brain, just like that. My brain would become completely and totally blank and it always felt like I was an empty husk of a person.
To make matters worse, my fear of girls always went into overdrive and I often got stuck in this hyper-focused world of blank-mindedness and inaction that made me stand there like a mute mannequin.
I would do literally NOTHING. Even if a girl who was interested in me sat near me at a party and showed obvious signs she wanted to kiss me and possibly do something more, I still wouldn’t do anything and would just sit there, like a robot.
I was constantly paralyzed, unable to move or say anything. And I didn’t know why.
And the more I tried to force myself to do ANYTHING, the more this hyper-focused reality felt stronger, to the point I dejectedly had to give up and basically say “this is my life right now” because it seemed like I couldn’t budge or move ever which way.
Somehow, I feel I’m not the only person who’s ever experienced this or felt that way. In fact, I keep hearing there are MILLIONS of guys who have felt the same way at least once in their lives, around attractive women they liked. Because being afraid of rejection is a pretty common thing, to be honest.
Oh, and to make matters worse, that’s just the part where I already had women near me who were interested in me. If things came to approaching women on the street, at a bar or a club, I’d become MORTIFIED and just wouldn’t do it no matter what. For the longest time, I couldn’t approach a woman to save my life because I was terrified of rejection.
So let’s tackle this issue of fear of women at its core, once and for all.
Why was I so afraid of women when things suddenly became sexual?
Because of three things:
- I was afraid of REJECTION.
- I put too much importance on sex.
- I was terrified of expressing myself and showing my real personality.
I didn’t want to feel rejected romantically.
For a lot of guys, fear of rejection in love is a huge problem. And even if all signs pointed towards my success, I was still afraid of failure.
Well, upon further self-reflection I eventually realized something:
I was an egotistical little piece of shit.
Everything was ME ME ME, ME. All the time.
If something is to happen, it somehow all has to benefit ME. This world revolves around ME. I want everything to be perfect for ME. And so on and so forth.
It’s called “The Hero Complex,” because you imagine yourself to be the protagonist of the story and the world somehow has to fit around you. Pretty mental stuff, to be honest. But it sits at the core of fear of rejection in relationships and dating.
This hero complex was so bad, I couldn’t bear the thought of facing the world for what it really is and facing reality.
What’s the reality? Some people just aren’t going to like me.
It’s true, no one really gives a shit about you, except maybe your family and some of your closest friends.
Well, the dumb, old, naive me thought that if I’d never have to expose or express myself, I’d never have to face this eventual reality. Basically, I was self-sheltered in a cocoon of denial, doing my best to preserving my fragile little ego from the outside world.
Well, that’s a tough realization to come across at any age. And I’m glad I came to realize it then. Because eventually this realization changed my mind and I understood something important — that I have to expose and express myself if I want to grow as a person.
We’re getting really deep here, aren’t we? But don’t worry, this all has a point about romantic rejection and how to get past it to succeed in dating and relationships.
So what was the answer to how to get over fear of rejection?
There’s no one single answer to how to get over the fear of rejection, to be honest, and it all comes down to many different things. But a HUGE piece of the puzzle is the following:
Embrace the fucking randomness of it all.
Interactions with women are SUPPOSED to be random, messy, unpredictable, new, and exciting, That’s what makes them worthwhile.
What would be the POINT of it all if you could just go up to any woman and she’d want to be in a relationship with you, no matter who she was?
What if she’s boring, malicious, rude, disgusting, evil, superficial, aggressive, etc.? Or dull, dumb, ditzy, tiresome, uninteresting, stuffy, etc.? Or maybe she has low self-esteem, no self-love, is destructive or has a mental illness… Would you even WANT to be with a woman like that?
The point of it all is to get to know women so you can find those who are compatible with you.
Embrace the randomness, accept that you can’t control other people and their reactions and just do your best to talk to them in a genuine and authentic way and to convey your personality as best you can. Then simply hope for the best because no one has a clue what’s going to happen after that!
But wait, there’s more!
Stop looking for others approval
Here’s another massive point about how to stop being afraid of rejection and girls in general.
It’s super important to understand that try as you might, do as you do, no matter what happens, no matter how unsuccessful, successful, rich, poor, beautiful, ugly and so on you are gonna be, some people out there just aren’t going to like you.
And you know what? This is perfectly FINE! You’re not supposed to have everyone like you.
Not just because it’s impossible, but also because it’s fucking stupid. Why would you even want murderers, thieves, racists and other scum like you? Why would you want to have people you have nothing in common with like you? And most importantly, why would you even CARE?
Which brings me to the other important point.
It’s important to let go of the need to care about what random people think of you.
How do you do this?
By realizing you have just one life to live and you have to live it for yourself, and not for other people.
So ask yourself this question: Why do you even CARE so much?
Who the fuck cares what that random person on the street thinks of you if you happen to slip on a banana right in front of them, fall flat on your face and cry to your momma.
Are you gonna see that person tomorrow, next week, next year, or even in your entire life? No? Then who the fuck cares what he or she thinks of you!
This is especially true if you live in a big city. The chances you’re going to meet someone again are slim to none. And people have their own shit to deal with and worry about, so they won’t even think twice about your sorry ass.
Think hard on something someone else did in front of you that was really embarrasing. Maybe someone said something moronic, fell down from a bycicle, spilled their coffee on themselves, whatever.
Now, how do you feel about the person who did that stupid or embarassing thing? Do you truly believe he or she is somehow subhuman?
No? Then why would you think that others will think the same about you, especially random people?
Caring too much about what others think of you is another symptom of “The Hero Complex.” It’s time to face reality and drop it. Because there are no heroes and your life’s not a movie. You only live it once and you have to live it according to yourself, and no one else.
With these important things out of the way, let’s talk about the two main things you have to get over if you want to get over your fear of women and girls.
How To Overcome Fear Of Rejection In A Few Simple Steps
Overcoming a strong fear of rejection requires you to change some negative core beliefs and install a few positive ones in your way of thinking.
It requires you to accept certain truths about the world, convince yourself that romantic rejection is actually good for you and then go through multiple approaches so you get rejected many times to desensitize yourself to it.
So here are the main things you need to understand about the fear of rejection dating instills in men and how to get over it completely.
1) EVERYONE gets rejected
This is the most important point you must understand if you want to deal with rejection anxiety swiftly and decisively.
EVERY SINGLE PERSON IN THE WORLD gets rejected in life. And I do mean EVERYONE. No one’s completely immune to it.
Even if you had the looks of Ryan Gosling or Brad Pitt, the charisma of Obama or Chris Hemsworth, the brains and intellect of Einstein and Stephen Hawkins, and the wit and humor of comedian Kevin Hart… there would still be someone in the world who’d think you’re a moron and then reject your advances.
Basically, no matter how awesome a person may think he or she is, they’ll still face romantic rejection from other people. It’s inevitable. It’s an integral part of life and there’s no avoiding it.
So frankly, why bother putting so much weight on this fear of being rejected by a girl, anyway?
There’s no avoiding it — unless you somehow get super lucky on your first ever approach, hit it off, then get married and live happily ever after, not having to approach any other woman for the rest of your life. But let’s stop living in a fairytale now and face the truth.
Since romantic rejection is INEVITABLE, you must accept the fact that being rejected by someone is always going to be a possibility in your life, no matter what you do.
There’s no escaping this fundamental truth of life and you must accept this if you are to move forward and get over this fear of talking to girls and engaging with them. Because being terrified of rejection is not a good way to live your life.
2) You’ll get rejected more often than not
Basically, getting rejected in life is THE DEFAULT SETTING.
So here’s a neat little statistic from an experiment some people did. conducted a study where they had a
A social scientist Nicolas Guéguen along with his colleagues has conducted an experiment where a 22-year-old guy had to approach 300 women between the ages of 18-22. For the first 300 approaches, he carried nothing and for the next 300, he carried a guitar with him.
The results were pretty conclusive and very curious. In the first case, without the guitar, he got the number around 14% of the time. During the second test, where he was carrying a guitar, he was successful around 31% of the time.
What do these results tell us about approaching women and having success?
Well, apart from the fact that you should carry a guitar with you if you want to more than double your chances of getting women’s numbers… that in NORMAL CIRCUMSTANCES, you will get rejected about 86% of the time!
Basically, you will be rejected by women the vast majority of the time.
So, the game’s rigged right from the start and you’re going to get rejected much more than accepted. Which brings me back to my main point:
THE DEFAULT outcome of approaching women IS REJECTION.
Of course, you can do various things to increase your chances a bit.
You can dress better, carry a guitar or have a puppy with you, develop better body language, fix your mindsets, become more confident, etc. and so on and so forth… but you’ll never ever get to 100% zero rejection, no matter how much effort you put in. Because that’s just impossible.
So why this very low number, you may ask?
Well, because there are just so many different reasons for romantic rejection that you can’t even account for most of them.
Suppose the girl you’re interested in is having a bad day. Perhaps she didn’t like the color of your shirt. Maybe she’s already taken or she just wants to talk with her friend and is absolutely in no mood to talk to anyone else. What if your breath stinks (have that checked out, by the way!) Or perhaps she just doesn’t like you at first glance, or at second glance, or even after getting to know you.
Who the hell knows what can happen! Remember the point above about randomness? There are litereally thousands of reasons why your approach may fail, and only a fraction of them depend on you.
All you can do is give it your best, improve your externals (such as looks, clothes, body language, behavior, etc.) and your internals (attitude, confidence, mood, sense of humor, etc.) and then express yourself. She’ll either like you or she won’t.
The more positive things you add to yourself, the more chances you’ll have of being accepted and the less she’ll reject you and your advances. But even the best of guys often don’t reach more than a 50% chance of not getting rejected by a beautiful woman.
That’s why a lot of people say dating is a numbers game. Because there are just so many things out of your control.
3) Romantic rejection is ALWAYS good for you!
Now that you know you’ll get rejected more often than not, you must also acknowledge and then understand that romantic rejection is actually GOOD for you.
How can it be good, you ask? And how can this knowledge help you learn how to get over fear of rejection?
- It saves you time and frees you from unnecessary worry.
- You get to learn and improve so you’re always getting better.
Reason one is great because it lets you quickly figure out if you’re a good match with the woman you approach or not. That’s very liberating and saves you lots of time and unnecessary emotional worry.
Basically, instead of spending hours thinking about approaching her and worrying unnecessarily whether you should do it or not and if she’s going to like you or not, you simply approach the woman and find out.
If you get rejected, you’ll know in an instant that she’s not into you and you’re not a good match. You’re then free to approach someone else and can stop wasting your time on her.
Because time is PRECIOUS!
In fact, you should be thanking her under your breath that she didn’t lead you on and that she let you know right away that she doesn’t want anything to do with you. Thus saving both you and her tons of time and liberating you from unnecessary emotional worry.
Reason two is even better. Because people learn substantially better and more from their failures rather than their successes.
In fact, the absolute best seducers in the world and guys who have slept with hundreds upon hundreds of women have been rejected more times than most men in the world have even tried approaching.
I certainly wouldn’t be able to sleep with hundreds of women if I hadn’t approached thousands. Because I’ve done so many approaches, I’ve had thousands of rejections in my life. But without them, I wouldn’t be the man I am today.
These rejections, along with the massive amount of hands-on experience I got from them finally made me someone who’s not afraid of women anymore. They let me develop a thick skin, they helped me improve everything about me; both my internal and external qualities.
They also let me improve my game to the point that I get rejected significantly less than when I started out. But don’t worry, I still get rejected quite a lot, just like virtually any other guy on the planet.
Only rockstars, mega athletes and movie stars get rejected very rarely. But even they still get rejected from time to time. Because someone out there is just not goingt to care about their accomplishments at all.
4) Don’t be a wussy and control your emotions
The next step of how to overcome fear of rejection in dating and seduction consists of controling your emotional response to it.
Seriously, there are so many guys out there who get ANGRY, MEAN and BITTER when they get rejected. They start acting like little boys instead of men and whine and cry about it.
This is terrible for these guys because they start preoccupying themselves with all these negative thoughts which then prevent them from growing as people.
If negative thoughts overwhelm you after amorous rejection, you won’t have the time or the energy to look back on the interaction and LEARN from it. You’ll just devolve further into whiny “nice guy” behavior and prevent yourself from further success.
So if you’re someone who approaches women with good intentions but then lashes out at them or gets angry after getting rejected, STOP IT NOW!
This behavior is pathetic and you’re only doing a disservice to yourself.
Part of being a mature man is to accept the fact that you’re going to get rejected in life, on many occasions. So handle it like a fucking man, tell the woman you were approaching to have a nice day and continue on with your life as if nothing bad happened.
That’s because nothing bad actually happened since you know this woman isn’t a good match for you. Move on and let go of any negative shit about the experience and instead see what you can learn from it and improve on it.
Stop being a wussy and control your emotions.
5) The worst outcome isn’t even that bad
To overcome the fear of dismissal by women, it’s important to stop your imagination from sabotaging you.
A huge part of stopping rejection anxiety is to put a stop to the negative mental movies you see in your mind about all the bad things that can happen if you approach a woman you like.
Tons of guys do this (and I was no exception at first) and it’s one of the biggest mistakes a guy can make before approaching a girl.
Seriously, what’s the worst thing that can happen when you approach someone you find attractive?
Will she slap you? Throw a drink in your face? Shout that you’re a creepy weirdo? Yell at the top of her lungs for you to leave her alone? Call for help? Kick you in the nuts?
Well, apart from her kicking you in the nuts which would hurt a FUCKING LOT, not one of those outcomes is bad enough to even worry about. And not one of them will kill you.
Seriously, after approaching several thousand women in my 10 years of actively dating and learning pickup and seduction, I’ve only had like two or three bad experiences. I got slapped once and then I got yelled at a couple of times. That’s it!
Sure, it felt bad at that exact moment, but after a little while it didn’t matter the least bit! Because who the hell even cares? I just went and approached someone else instead and thought that the girl who did that shit was weird and being silly.
So if you appraoch several hundred women, talk to them, seduce them and sleep with a few dozen of them, you probably won’t run into any horribly bad experiences at all. Simply because there’s such a low chance of these bad experiences actually happening.
And if you do run into a bad experience? So fucking what! Who cares if you get slapped once or twice in your life. Will you DIE from it? Will it even matter in a week, a month or in 20 years?
No one will even give a shit after a while and everyone will forget it ever happened!
All you’ll have after a while is a funny and silly story to tell someone.
So stop thinking about all the negative, horrible and scary stuff that COULD happen to you once in a blue moon after you approach, and instead think of what CAN happen. She can accept you or reject you. And that’s all you need to think about just before you approach the next hottie.
Most of the fear of rejection dating instills in men is completely irrational.
The Final Step In How To Get Over Fear Of Rejection
Now that you know all the above stuff about getting rejected by women, it’s finally time for the last step of how to get over fear of rejection
That last step is pretty brutal if you think about it. But it’s an absolute must if your goal is to stop being afraid of rejection for life and overcome this phobia for life.
Seriously, fear of rejection in love is harsh, but you need to move past it if you are to have happy and successful romantic relationships.
So here’s what you do: You take 2-3 hours per week to approach women and desensitize yourself to getting rejected.
For example, every Saturday, go to a busy street, park, beach, shopping mall or whatever else you can find. Somewhere where there’s a steady stream of dozens or even hundreds of people walking by.
Then, you check out the women around you and notice the ones you find attractive and who aren’t very obviously busy or in a rush to get somewhere.
You then find something about them you like and think is great.
It can be anything; a piece of clothing, an accessory, a haircut. It can be their behavior, their gait, their walk, their confidence or whatever else you can notice. The point is that you have to GENUINELY FIND SOMETHING YOU LIKE ABOUT THEM.
After you notice that thing you appreciate about that woman, you approach her and try to start a conversation with her.
This is where that thing you noticed about her will help you tremendously. It will reduce your rejection anxiety because you’ll instantly have an opener, and it will also help you focus your mind on something other than the approach itself.
You then tell her something like “Excuse me, I didn’t mean to bother you but I saw you walking by and I really liked [whatever you noticed about her] and just wanted to let you know. I’m so and so, by the way. What’s your name?”
And BOOM, you’re in. If she’s not busy and if you didn’t behave like a total weirdo, she’ll stop and talk to you.
Then it’s all about letting expressing yourself and your personality and talking to her LIKE SHE’S A NORMAL PERSON. Like you’d talk to your buddy!
After the conversation, whether you get rejected or actually manage to talk to her (no matter if you get her number or just talk to her and then say “Have a nice day!” and walk off), you reflect on the whole thing for a few minutes and enjoy the situation… And then you go APPROACH MORE WOMEN.
Your goal is to approach at least 10, but hopefully 20 or 30 women in those 2-3 hours. After a few months of this, you will completely get over your fear or rejection.
Lastly, if you don’t really know what to say to women when you approach, then read my article on how to approach women and get their numbers.
But what if you’re genuinely terrified of rejection?
If you’re completely and utterly terrified of rejection to the point you’re getting tongue-tied and can’t speak to women, no matter how much you try to force yourself, here’s a little trick:
This may sound counterproductive, but when I used to be like that when I was terrified of talking to girls, what changed my mindset was being honest about it. So I’d say something like “I’m sorry, I’m just too nervous around you and it’s hard to say anything — you just have that sort of effect on me!”
And guess what happened?
While some girls didn’t like it — most would still acknowledge the fact that I felt that way around them.
They saw I “addressed the elephant in the room,” made it clear how I felt – that I was extremely nervous around them – and as a result, the air would clear completely. The conversation from then on became much easier and more pleasant.
When you’re scared of rejection, it’s important to address it
Addressing the elephant in the room when you’re scared of rejection is the best thing to do.
That’s because when women see you do this, they will at the very least respect you for it. Because it takes guts to admit you have a phobia of rejection and are afraid of talking to women who you find attractive.
Plus, it’s very disarming and endearing. You’re being vulnerable and exposing yourself to her judgment and opinion of you. Don’t be surprised when her reaction is much better than you expected.
Women are people too, don’t ever forget that. And if you genuinely show your true self, no matter how nervous, anxious or giddy you feel, they will appreciate your honesty.
It’ll be up to them whether they stay around to chat with you or not. But you’ll still very often get a positive reaction.
After a while of all this, you’ll get so used to talking to women without fear of rejection, you’ll grow a lot as a person. Then your dating life will take a dramatic turn for the better.
Then it’ll be time to learn game and seduction. Because you’ll be getting those numbers like there’s no tomorrow.
After you overcome rejection, your life will change
When you finally get over this hurdle and overcome the fear of getting rejected by women, you’ll notice a huge change in your interactions.
At first, you won’t be getting many numbers from women or even none at all. You’ll get rejected most of the time.
Then, little by little, you’ll get rejected less and less and you’ll start getting those phone numbers from women.
After a while, you’ll start getting numbers from increasingly more and more attractive women. Until you get so many numbers you won’t know what to do with all of them since you won’t have the time to meet all the women for a date.
You’ll then start being picky and only go on dates with the most interesting and gorgeous women out of the whole bunch.
So what do you do then, when you finally start going on many first dates with women? That’s easy, you get The Saulis Dating Guide so you’ll know how to turn those first dates into amazing romantic and sexual relationships.