Sometimes guys write to me and say stuff like “I don’t want to break up with her even though I feel the relationship isn’t going well. Help! What should I do? Should we break up? When should I break up with my girlfriend?”
More often than not I reply that it depends entirely on the situation. Because each relationship is unique and different.
Then I ask them to provide more details about the relationship and what’s going on. Such as what’s wrong with the partner, what they’re both doing that annoys each other, where their conflict is coming from. As well as why they feel they’re not getting what they need from the relationship and what has to change to fix things.
Then I get tons of emails telling me about the relationship in detail. And I often notice some very common issues that a large number of relationships have.
Some of those issues CAN be fixed. But many of them are almost impossible to deal with. Which is when I tell them that they should definitely break up and stop seeing each other. Because they’re simply not compatible and nothing good will come of the relationship.
So if you don’t want to break up, or don’t know if you should stop the relationship, then I’ll help you out. By telling you how to figure out what’s wrong and what to do about it.
I’ll also give you some of the most common reasons when you need to consider breaking up and leaving your partner. Because some relationships are unsalvageable.
Table of Contents
- 1 Here’s What To Do If You Don’t Want To Break Up
Here’s What To Do If You Don’t Want To Break Up
If you don’t want to break up with your girlfriend but still think that the relationship isn’t going well, then you need to figure out what’s causing most of the problems.
There are many legitimate reasons why you should definitely break up. Like cheating, stealing, blatant dishonesty, cruelty, violence, abuse, and several other things. Because no one should tolerate these things from their partner. As it’s obvious they don’t care about you if they do any of those things.
However, there are also quite a lot of mistakes and issues that you can fix. If you BOTH figure them out and put in the work to resolve them.
Such as misunderstandings, failed expectations, sexual dissatisfaction, bad distribution of chores and responsibilities. As well as various issues with friends, hobbies, work, school, and more. Because all these things can be fixed by compromise or by working the issues out.
Before breaking up, make sure all the basic things are good and covered
Before you decide if you should break up or not, find out if you’ve got all the basics covered first.
Every single relationship will benefit from the following basic things: Trust, communication, honesty, and mutual understanding.
But apart from that, to maintain a good relationship, you should never stop flirting, teasing, being playful and physical with your partner. And you mustn’t stop going on dates either because they keep the spark alive. As well as maintain sexual tension so you don’t stop having sex.
Finally, both parties need to learn how to satisfy one another sexually. Because a ton of relationships fail due to sexual incompatibility or inability to satisfy each other.
These are the basics and they work really well to keep most relationships going.
Basically, you need to make sure to put in the work. Because relationships require effort to maintain. And that effort has to come FROM BOTH parties, not just one person.
So, if some of the issues from above are what’s causing the problem and you thinking about breaking up. Then work on fixing them.
Should we break up? Start figuring out what’s really wrong
Before you start wondering “Should we break up or not?” – try to figure out what’s REALLY wrong with the relationship.
To do that, there needs to be OPEN AND HONEST COMMUNICATION.
That’s because open and honest communication is one of the cornerstones of a happy, healthy and strong relationship.
I mean, if you’re thinking you don’t know if you should break up or not – the best thing to do is to talk to your partner about your relationship. It’s not rocket science!
And the absolute worst thing to do would be to ignore the problems and stop talking to each other.
You need to be able to talk things out honestly and openly to stand a chance at fixing your issues.
So if you’re not sure why you feel the need to break up, you need to take the time to talk to your partner. So take your girlfriend by the hand, make yourselves some tea or coffee, then sit down and TALK about everything.
Tell her you think things are not working out as well as you hoped they would. And that you’d like to discuss the relationship to figure out what the problem is.
If she’s a good partner, she will sit down with you and talk with you openly and honestly to try to figure out what’s going on.
Don’t blame yourself or her at this point. Your goal is to talk things out and see where you both might be causing issues for one another. And playing the blame game at this point will derail the whole conversation because one of you will get emotional.
After you identify the problems, discuss them and present solutions. Also, establish an emotional connection with her so she actually listens to you.
However, to do that effectively, you both need to first figure what it is that each of you WANT from the relationship. And then what you both EXPECT from each other.
Finally, find out what you both want and expect out of the relationship
This step is crucial. You both need to figure out what you want from the relationship and from each other. And also what you EXPECT from it all.
That’s because if your values, goals, ideas and views don’t really align, then it’s going to be very difficult staying together. Because the most important thing in any relationship is COMPATIBILITY.
If you’re not compatible with one another, it’s going to be super hard to work things out. Since you won’t be on the same page on most issues and will want different things from each other and from your relationship.
When guys get a girlfriend who they’re not compatible with, even though they like her, they often think to themselves “I don’t want to break up! I like her! But something is wrong! What do I do?”
But if you’re just not compatible with one another, usually there’s not much you can do. So you have to break up, even if you don’t want to.
Unless you somehow really have a heart-to-heart and change each other’s views on things you don’t see eye to eye. Which is incredibly difficult.
So, take a moment to sit down with the girl you’re not sure if you want to break up with. And have an honest and deep conversation about what things look like. And then talk about your values and what you both want. Since you obviously thought she was a high value woman when meeting her and starting a relationship with her.
If you don’t know whether you should break up or not, then this will help you decide.
Why I don’t want to break up?
Finally, if it’s not you but your partner who wants to break up, it can be difficult to let go.
You may care deeply for her but she’s losing interest in you. So she wants to end things but you don’t want to break up.
In that case, talk her into having a heart-to-heart conversation with you. Tell her about all the important basic things in the relationship and ask her where you’re not doing enough. Chances are huge that she’ll tell you. And you may get her to wait with the breakup by promising you’ll work your hardest to make things right.
Then it will be up to you to start displaying all the necessary attractive manly character traits and qualities so she falls for you again. To rekindle her interest in you and in continuing the relationship.
That said, if you don’t see a way to make things right and if she has unreasonable expectations of you. Or if her needs are significantly different than yours and you’re just not compatible with her. Then even if you don’t want to break up with her, it’s probably still the right thing to do.
What to say if you don’t wanna break up?
Now that you know the answer to “Should we break up or not?” – what do you say when you don’t want to do it?
There’s not much to say except that you still have feelings for her and want to make the relationship work.
Say “I care for you deeply and I still see this relationship going somewhere special. I see us having a great future together but we need to figure things out what’s making us drift apart so much.”
Then it depends on who’s fault it was that the relationship is on rocky ground. If it’s mostly your fault, you need to make things right. If it’s her fault, then she needs to work on herself. But more often than not, it’s both parties fault, since it takes two to make a relationship work. In that case, use the above information to talk things through.