Why “Just Be Yourself” Is Simultaneously The Best & Worst Advice Ever!

I was randomly inspired to write this post when I read some comments and saw some posts on Reddit r/seduction and r/dating_advice which baffled me and prompted a rant about the advice to “Just Be Yourself!”

Here’s the rant in full, as posted on Reddit, which got about 95k views with a 91% Upvote Rating. Later followed by the actual post:

Listen up because I’m about to drop a heavy dose of REALITY on your ass!

I keep reading so much bullshit about the advice to “Just Be Yourself!” it’s RIDICULOUS.

So many people here in posts and comments are so fucking clueless and so confidently wrong it’s making my head hurt. Especially on r-dating_advice. The blind leading the blind!

I’ll put this advice to rest once and for all. Because it’s one of the most brilliant advice there is on the planet. And it’s simultaneously the stupidest fucking advice when given by people who have no clue what the fuck they’re talking about and what it actually means.

Sidebar on this sub says this advice is unactionable? I disagree 100% and I’ll show you what CONCRETE ACTION you can take. But first you have to UNDERSTAND IT.

So prepare for a RANT!

Just be yourself, right? But what if you’re a timid, nervous, anxious pussy who’s afraid of everything? How does that work then?

First, your personality is 100% completely unique, even though you may fall into some major categories (dominant, compliant, optimist, passive, etc.). There’s not a single person in the world who is EXACTLY like you.

And no matter what your personality is, if you let it SHINE, really truly fucking express yourself without fear, guilt, shame and similar bullshit, people will be DRAWN to you. Because you’ll elicit POWERFUL EMOTIONS in others by being polarizing.

And people are DRIVEN by emotions. It’s why we do pretty much EVERYTHING.

But because of all the bullshit insecurities and self-esteem issues you’ve gathered throughout your life and the fucked up self-image you have of yourself that doesn’t align with you and your actions, YOU CAN’T LET LOOSE AND EXPRESS YOURSELF FREELY. Letting your true personality come out and shine, so people see and interact with the REAL YOU.

You hide behind masks you’ve unconsciously developed because you’re afraid people will JUDGE YOU and REJECT YOU.

You can’t talk to that hot girl because of hundreds of fucking stupid reasons like “Oh what if I screw up? What if she thinks I’m dumb? What if she has a boyfriend? What if she disagrees with me? What if I make her mad? What if I don’t know what to say? What if she thinks I’m ugly?” and so on and so forth.

The answer to all of these questions is SO FUCKING WHAT? There’s no other way to find out than to TRY SOMETHING.

However, any and all similar questions betray one incredibly important thing: YOU HAVE LOW SELF-ESTEEM!

And when you have low self-esteem and think any of these things, YOU ARE NOT BEING YOURSELF.

You want to approach her, but there’s 50 different reasons why you don’t. So you’re not doing what you TRULY, DEEPLY WANT TO DO.

And here’s the kicker: Most people in the world ARE NOT BEING TRUE TO THEMSELVES most of the time!

Except those rare moments once every fucking blue moon when all the stars align or you get that magical ratio of alcohol and encouragement in your life or something really fucking awesome happens to you and you’re BEAMING WITH JOY, LIFE, ENTHUSIASM AND BELIEF IN YOURSELF. Where you just say FUCK IT and are ON. And I mean OOON!

Those moments where you’re IN STATE, as PUAs call it. Where you feel on top of the world and everything coming out of your mouth is GOLDEN. Where you’re being UNABASHEDLY YOURSELF, a genuinely charming, witty motherfucker who’s ON POINT, no matter how weird your brand of personality is! Where people REALLY start to enjoy being around you.

That state didn’t just appear out of fucking nowhere now did it? It came FROM YOU! You already have everything within you to do that, you just need to shed your BAGGAGE OF BULLSHIT to channel it.

THAT’S what it fucking means to BE YOURSELF.

Any person on the planet can do it. It’s so fucking sad that so many people experience it only a few times in their lives, when they can be like that often or even nearly always.

People want to have fun with you but they CAN’T if you CONSTANTLY REPRESS AND STIFLE YOURSELF. Because of your bullshit insecurities and self-esteem issues.

I’ll say it again until you get this through your thick fucking skulls: Everything you need to be fucking amazing is already within you!!! It’s just held down by your fears, doubts and anxieties. Which clearly signals SHITTY SELF-ESTEEM.

To counteract this, you need to GROW THE FUCK UP and shed the bullshit conditioning you’ve been spoonfed your entire life by various authority figures like a good little consumer boy. And learn how to channel that state of being your true fucking self ON COMMAND. Or at least when you feel like it. And eventually LIVE IN THAT STATE, naturally.

It’s difficult but achievable.

Building a solid self-esteem takes A LOT OF WORK AND FUCKING EFFORT. It’s HARD. But everything worth having in life takes a SHITLOAD of effort unless you’re super fucking lucky.

That’s what I learned to do and it took me like 6-7 years of constantly working on myself before I could take control of my life and live the way I want and like. It took so long because I was focusing on the wrong thing at first, on the outward, not the inward. Trying to be someone others would like. Instead of focusing on self-esteem so I like myself first.

I was suddenly able to go to any club or party or gathering and be like IT’S ON MOTHERFUCKERS and become the life of the party. Not necessarily dancing around like a retarded monkey with endless energy. Which is fucking exhausting in its own right if you don’t enjoy the process and aren’t an extrovert. And I’m as introverted as they come. But instead having the INTENSITY and UNCOMPROSISING BELIEF in yourself, no matter how fucking weird you are. Which draws people in.

Some may like you for it, some may not, but EVERYONE WILL RESPECT YOU. And women are drawn to that, naturally. And it works for absolutely any type and combination of personality there is. In fact, it’s AMPLIFIED by your personality, that’s exactly why it works for everyone.

But to achieve this, it takes some solid inner game, a Bulletproof Self-Esteem as I like to call it, and TAKING FULL FUCKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR LIFE.

Do you know what maturity is? It’s when you stop being a boy and start being a MAN. And the prerequisite to that is to TAKE FULL RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR LIFE.

NO ONE IS COMING TO SAVE YOU. You have to realize that someday. It’s up to YOU to save yourself from a life of regret and mediocrity!

We’re not living in a fairytale, no magical being is gonna come down from the heavens and bless you one day so you suddenly and effortlessly become some uber version of yourself by magic, without doing any work! No one fucking cares about you except you and maybe some family and very close friends if you’re lucky!

Women want a MAN beside them, not a LOST LITTLE BOY who wishes his life was different! Ask any woman here or elsewhere, they’ll tell you straight away if they’re honest.

But to become this man you have to take control of your life. And also, be GENUINE and AUTHENTIC.

Straight from google: To be Genuine means to know who you are. It’s being confident enough to be comfortable in your own skin. And being firmly grounded in reality, truly present in each moment because you’re not trying to figure out someone else’s agenda or worrying about your own.

To be Authentic means to be true to your own personality and values, regardless of the pressure you’re under to act otherwise. It’s when you’re honest with yourself and with others, and you take responsibility for your mistakes. Your values, ideals, and actions all align.

The key here is being true to your values, no matter what the pressure is or where it’s coming from.

And let me tell you, most people in their daily lives STRUGGLE with their values. Including me, from time to time. It’s fucking hard to have integrity when it’s so much easier not to do the right thing. Especially when there’s tons of pressure or danger. But that’s what makes the difference between men and boys!

That’s why it’s so difficult to be yourself in this day and age. But you need to STOP FUCKING AROUND BECAUSE LIFE IS SHORT!

Ok look, let me put it this way…. you are who you are, there’s no point in wondering WHY. You’re fine, no matter how you’re wired or how weird you are.

No matter how you choose to behave and how you are perceived, you are FINE! Within reasonable limits of course.

ACCEPT THAT and do the best with what you have!

Ugly? Fat? Short? Poor? Stupid? Old? Young? Cripple? Whatever the fuck else? ACCEPT THAT AND DO THE BEST WITH WHAT YOU HAVE. While trying to improve on these things as much as possible.

Who’s to dictate how you’re supposed to behave? Your friends? Your parents? Your teachers? SOCIETY? Fuck that! Being your own person is infinitely better for your self-esteem.

You can behave exactly as you wish. Even objectively badly if who you really are is an evil motherfucker out to screw and use others.


That’s called being a mature motherfucker. That’s when you turn from a boy to a MAN. That’s called BEING YOURSELF. Your own individual.

And you’ve already been doing this once in your life, 100%

You were being yourself during your childhood. Because a child does EXACTLY AS THEY WANT.

But slowly, while growing up and being influenced by your life’s events, other people and your surroundings, you started LOSING YOURSELF. Little by little, more and more.

You were MOLDED to be something else. A good little worker, a nice little guy, a polite little citizen.

You were told to “live like that” and “behave like this” and “no, no don’t do that it’s a sin!” and It’s wrong to feel or think this way!“ So you lost yourself trying to please others and do as you’re told.

You started FILTERING yourself. putting a MASK on to hide your true self from people who told you how your natural behavior was somehow wrong. Without explaining how everything works and letting you make your own conclusions. So you started feeling SHAME for your true self because you were living someone else’s vision of how people are supposed to live!

That’s how most people live their lives.

That’s why most people aren’t being themselves.

So what now?

Want to be successful with women? Want people to like and respect you? Then JUST BE YOUR OWN FUCKING PERSON AND OWN IT!

How do you do that? Here’s the ACTIONABLE part, as promised.

Figure out who you fucking are and WHAT VALUES YOU REPRESENT!

Take the time to re-evaluate your life. Go sit in front of a mirror for however long it takes and REALLY THINK ABOUT YOUR LIFE AND WHAT YOU WANT FROM IT.

Then take out some paper and a pen… better yet, start a JOURNAL and write down your values. Do this and take however many hours. This is CRUCIAL.

Then figure out and set and then write down GOALS FOR YOURSELF and START WORKING ON THEM. Both personal and professional goals

Then get some books on self-esteem and learn as much as you can. There are many good ones but one I personally recommend highly is The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem by Nathaniel-Branden.

Then do all the ACTIONABLE exercises from that book to build up your self-esteem, little by little. Because there are MANY concrete exercises you can do that actually work to build your self-esteem and self-image. (A great book on self-image is Psycho-Cybernetics)

Do this until you actually LIKE YOURSELF. Until you become your own best friend.

Because here’s how it works in the real world: If you don’t even like yourself, HOW THE FUCK IS ANY WOMAN SUPPOSED TO LIKE YOU?!

If you can’t do this alone for some reason, SEEK HELP from someone who can pull you out of all this bullshit. Someone who knows WHAT THE FUCK THEY’RE TALKING ABOUT and has a proven track record.

There are plenty of coaches on this sub and tons of other places. Some really good ones, some terrible, some just in it to make a buck and don’t really care.

A lot of coaches will teach you what to do and what to say and YOU WILL GET LAID. But they will fail to fix the core issue – your self-esteem. So if you get the hot girl you always wanted but still continue to have a shitty self-esteem, SHE WILL LEAVE YOU.

And don’t contact me, I’m semi-retired and only work weekends and am fully booked for months and months, so seek someone else.

But work on your self-esteem and get this handled. You owe it to yourselves because connecting once again with your true self is LIBERATING.

It’s so refreshing to meet a person like that! Who is being themselves.

Seriously, like 95% of your dating problems would be solved if you took the time to really develop your self-esteem to a healthy level. But that takes COMMITMENT TO YOUR GOALS and SELF-DISCIPLINE.

I know this works because I was so bad with women it was ridiculous. Then I took the time to get this handled in my 20s and have since been on several thousand dates and slept with so many women around the world I lost track after like 500… then taught thousands of guys how to get rid of their insecurities and get their love lives handled once and for all. I’m in my 30s now and partnered up for life with a kid on the way.

People with high and HEALTHY self-esteem are like fucking unicorns! No matter how many friends and enemies they have, everyone respects them!

They get laid like rockstars or find an amazing woman for life and stick together! Without learning various techniques how to talk to and seduce women. Because they are POLARIZING and SELF-ASSURED, have a self-image that aligns with their goals and what they’re doing and have a deep-rooted belief that they can handle anything that comes their way. So they NATURALLY DRAW PEOPLE IN.

That’s what this advice means, especially for dating and seduction.

Rant fucking over.

Damn this turned out to be long. But even if it helps just a few of you wake the fuck up and start living, I’ve done my part.

TL;DR “Just Be Yourself” is shitty and vague advice. Develop your self-esteem to become the best version of yourself is the real advice with concrete and actionable stepsl. People with high self-esteem are being themselves and reap all the benefits that entails. People with low self-esteem are not being themselves and fail miserably at life. Including dating. Sadly most people have low self-esteem.

The Non-Rant Follow-Up – Just Be Yourself And Express Your Personality

If you read alot of self-improvement stuff, you’ll hear the advice to “Just Be Yourself!” all the time.

Just be yourself and all of your problems will be solved! Just be yourself and everyone will like you! Be yourself and you’ll be very successful with women!

But what if you’re a nervous, shy, anxious and timid pussy with low self-esteem? Will being THAT self bring you any success?

Obviously not. So what does this bullshit advice mean and why do so many people preach it?

Well, it’s actually REALLY GOOD advice, but ONLY IF you understand what it really means.

The problem is that most gurus and self development coaches preaching this advice don’t really explain it properly. Causing you to misunderstand it and making things worse for you, instead of helping.

That’s exactly why taking the advice to just be yourself at face value is bad. And why it’s the WORST ADVICE EVER when given by people who don’t have a clue how to explain it properly and why it works.

So I’ll finally explain in great depth what it all means. So you understand why this is actually one of the best advice on the planet in self-development. And how to use it properly to transform your life for the better. To become a man people respect, love and adore.

Read on, because this advice is truly life-changing when you finally understand it.

Being yourself consists of two crucial parts: Values and Inhibition.

Part 1 – Being Yourself Means Living Up To Your Own Values

When you want to become better with women, a lot of people will tell you to be yourself and things will work out. Without explaining anything further.

Well, these people are being intentionall vague or are idiots and you shouldn’t listen to them. If they fail to explain HOW to be yourself.

Because what they’re saying is actually very true. You MUST be yourself to have a really good and successful life.

But here’s the kicker: Chances are you are NOT being yourself, at all.

I’d say around 80% of people in the world are not being themselves in their day to day life.

And I was one of these 80% once. I think I only really understood what this advice means at the core when I was around 30 years old.

And the thing is, I still have days where I’m struggling to be myself. Because it’s a very difficult thing to do in the times we’re living in.

So let me explain, before this starts to get really vague and confusing.

Most people aren’t really being themselves in their daily lives

Ok, so let me give you a few examples so you understand better what it means to be yourself. To TRULY be yourself.

Imagine this: You’re walking around town, thinking whatever it is you’re thinking in your head, and you spot a beautiful woman. You want to approach this woman and talk to her but you don’t. For various reasons. You’re either too afraid, think you’re not good enough for her, think she might have a boyfriend, that she’s out of your league. Or you’re putting her on a pedestal, or whatever.

Guess what? In that instant, no matter which reason you pick, YOU ARE NOT BEING YOURSELF.

Next, you’re working hard on a difficult project at work. You’re doing great and you finish the project and everyone praises you. So you think you deserve more money but you’re too afraid to go to your boss to ask for a raise or a promotion. Or you don’t want to inconvenience your boss. Or you don’t want to make more than your co-workers thinking they will like you less, or whatever.

Again, you’re not being yourself.

Then you plan on going shopping with your brother or sister. You’re late and they’ve been waiting for you for 20 minutes, getting rightfully frustrated. You came and they ask you why you’re late but you brush it off and say you were busy. Then everyone goes clothes shopping together. Your siblings try on some new clothes and ask you how they look. You don’t want to hurt their feelings so you say nothing. Or you lie and say they look great even if they look ugly. Or you say you don’t care, etc.

You’re not being yourself.

You’re out with friends driving around town. Your friend in the driver’s seat starts driving recklessly, really fast and it feels dangerous. But you don’t want to say anything because of various reasons. Maybe you don’t want to hurt their feelings. Maybe you’re afraid of them. Or maybe you don’t like confrontation. Maybe you want to look cool in front of your other friends.

Once more, you’re not being yourself.

You go to a store with your child and they want you to get them some toy but you don’t have the money. You don’t want to tell them that so you think of some lame excuse why you can’t buy it.

You’re not being yourself once again.

You go with your co-workers to a karaoke bar and when it’s your turn to go up on stage, you chicken out. Or you make excuses, or you say you don’t like signging or dancing or music, etc.

Same as always, you’re not your true self here.

Are you starting to see any pattern here?

Ok, so you’re talking to a girl and suddenly you “run out of things to say” to her. You try to impress her so she likes you. Maybe you know she already likes you but you don’t kiss her for various reasons. And so on and so forth.

Surprise surprise, you aren’t living up to who you are.

I can give hundreds of these examples. These are just some at the top of my head.

So what does it all mean, why aren’t you being yourself?

The answer why you’re not being yourself in all the examples above is very simple.



We’ll get to the inhibition/disinhibition part later, but now let’s talk about values.

Your values are the things you believe are important in the way you live your life.

Here’s a non-comprehensive, random list of Core Values you can have in life:

Ok, so as a human being, when you were growing up, you eventually developed some values in life. Everyone does.

Your values may be different from mine. You may have some very unique values that other people don’t. Or you may have pretty standard values that most people do. And you may even have some fucked up values if your childhood was rough and shitty.

Whatever they are, I’m pretty sure at least a few of them are on the list above.

For example, maybe one of your core values is Competence. But you got a job because the owner of the company is your neighbor and not because you’re actually right for the job. You went against one of your core values. You’re not being yourself.

Or maybe one of your values is Kindness, but you’re cruel to the homeless because some homeless guy kicked your dog or whatever. Or your core value is Honesty, but you can’t help but lie to people a lot.

Now if you go back to my examples above, you probably see some values being broken or ignored. Like Honesty, Integrity, Courage, Loyalty, Responsibility, Kindness, Autonomy, Fairness, Wisdom, Respect, Trust. See if you can spot which value and where.

You’ll also see plenty of instances where you inhibit yourself, not letting your personality show. Which we’ll get to later.

When you don’t live up to your core values, you’re not being yourself

Now you’re probably starting to understand why “Just Be Yourself” is a very complex thing. And also why people struggle to be themselves daily.

One of my core values is Honesty. But I honestly have some days where I don’t tell the truth. Because it can be very difficult sometimes. Or very convenient. Or you can stand to gain a lot by omitting some things.

I’m also not as Courageous as much as I want to be.

But at least I’m living up to my core value of Learning. Because I love to learn and I’m learning all the time, reading books, listening to audiobooks, watching courses, etc. I’m going to learn as long as I live.

So what are YOUR core values?

Where are you not living up to them in your life?

To truly understand yourself and be yourself, you must first take the time to re-evaluate your life and make a list of your core values. Write it down somewhere, to solidify it. Even better, start a journal.

Then, try your best to live up to them.

But it won’t be easy. Because thing is, Being Yourself is a LIFELONG PROCESS.

When you live up to your core values and when you live your life according to them, you are being yourself.

People around you, both strangers and those you know, will really notice it.

Because when you live up to your own values, your Self-Esteem keeps increasing. And the more you live up to your values, the higher your Self-Esteem becomes.

And when you have a high Self-Esteem, your life becomes significantly better, in all aspects.

People respect you more, you like yourself more, women find you more attractive. And you attract success and make success of your life for yourself with your actions. Because Self-Esteem is like a self-fulfilling prophecy.

The higher it is, the better thoughts you think and the better emotions you feel. So you feel motivated to MAKE GOOD SHIT HAPPEN in your life. And you work towards all the great things in life.

Part 2 – How To Be Yourself Is All About Disinhibition

Now that we have your core values out of the way, let’s talk about the other part of how to be yourself.

It’s called being Genuine and Authentic. These two things prevent you from inhibiting yourself and your real personality.

I talk about this a LOT in my book on how to get laid on the first date and get a girlfriend or lover.

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Being Genuine means knowing who you are. It’s being confident enough to be comfortable in your own skin. And being firmly grounded in reality, truly present in each moment because you’re not trying to figure out someone else’s agenda or worrying about your own.

Being Authentic means you’re true to your own personality, values, and spirit, regardless of the pressure that you’re under to act otherwise. You’re honest with yourself and with others, and you take responsibility for your mistakes. Your values, ideals, and actions all align.

So when you’re not doing these things, you are inhibiting yourself. AND YOU ARE NOT BEING YOURSELF!

See how difficult it is to actually be yourself? No wonder most people aren’t!

Most people walk around like zombies, constantly being afraid, anxious, disingenuous and inauthentic. That’s pretty sad, but that’s how it is in this day and age.

We’re also often trying to be someone we’re not. We’re afraid to let our own personality shine because of shame, shyness, guilt, feelings of unworthiness, and more.

So here’s even more difficult advice:

Do not imitate others. FIND yourself and be yourself.
Stay true to your unique personality because there’s only one of you in this world!

As you can see, it’s easier said than done.

And this is one of the main reasons why so many men struggle with women so much.

That’s because being your true self and being genuine and authentic is a sign of maturity. And maturity is when you become a man and stop being a boy. Which means taking full responsibility for your life.

Women want a MAN beside them, not a boy.

Why do we fail to be Genuine and Authentic so often?

People mostly fail to be genuine and authentic because of their conditioning. Also their upbrining, which includes parenting.

A lot of who you are now and who you become later in life depends on how your parents treat you when you’re a child.

If you’re often scolded, repressed, not allowed to display and experience your emotions, you develop problems with self-respect and self-expression later in life.

Human beings are the only organisms on the planet who have trouble being themselves. And the only ones who experience self-esteem.

Have you ever heard of a cow being worried about what other cows think of it? Or an aligator being afraid to express itself? No, this is a distinctly human problem.

What’s more, every mass media in the world does its best to reinforce our insecurities.

Why? Because insecure people are great consumers! Insecure people want to buy shit they don’t need to feel better about themselves!

Feel inadequate? Buy that brand new Ferrari!

Feel ugly? That Prada dress or Armani costume will surely fix your problem!

Fat and lazy? Don’t work out, get the dangerous but expensive Lyposuction instead or use that risky drug to look and feel better about yourself!

The list of examples is endless.

Insecure people make billions for producers of goods. Marketers have figured out how to milk them so it pays really well to keep people insecure.

To escape this, you actually have to THINK FOR YOURSELF and evaluate your life according to your own needs and wants. Not according to someone else’s needs and wants! And that’s very difficult to do.

Now you see why it’s so hard to “Just Be Yourself!” Everything is against you; the world, the media, and even yourself!

No wonder why so many people aren’t being themselves.

No wonder this advice is bullshit and brilliant at the same time!

Belonging to groups or tribes kills your individuality

Finally, something else that kills your chances of being yourself is joining groups, tribes, cults, organizations and similar things that have a political and social agenda.

Organizations that provide a plan, goal and vision for you. Effectively taking Responsibility from you and onto themselves. And without Responsibility, you cannot be your own person. Because you suddenly BELONG to someone or something else.

belonging to groups who have an agenda makes it difficult to be yourself

This includes many different thigns, but most common and notable ones are Religions, the Military, various cults, the KKK, Political Parties, various ultra-fandoms, etc.

In these organizations, you’re absolved of the Responsibility to THINK FOR YOURSELF. Because others will do the thinking for you – those who “know better.” You’re only to follow orders and do what’s best for the organization.

Basically, you start living for someone or something else, and stop living for yourself. So it’s almost impossible to be yourself when you’re part of such organizations.

Along with killing your individuality, these organizations strive to provide you with an identity. So you “belong” and are less likely to think of yourself as an independent individual.

They provide you with rules and punish you for breaking them.

For example, it’s no wonder why a ton of my coaching clients come from religious backgrounds. They suck with women because expressing your desire and sexual urges is apparently a sin. It’s no wonder they’re sexually repressed and have no clue how to talk to, attract and seduce women.

So don’t fall for this trap and don’t sign your life away. Don’t live someone else’s idea of life and live your own life, for yourself! Because once you do, you’ll be so much happier.

Inhibition and Disinhibition is Key to Letting Your True Personality Shine

Your personality is the free and full expression of your real self.

The real self of every single person is attractive and magnetic. It draws people in and has a powerful impact and influence on those around you. Because uninhibited personality at its core… is creativity.

When people try to be someone else, they’re being phony, superficial, hypocritical, dishonest. And that’s very unattractive. People don’t like it when they see others being fake and disingenuous.

When you’re being shy, timid, meek, hostile, nervous, self-conscious, doubtful, etc. you’re effectively repressing yourself and are unable to express the real you.

When this happens, you become frustrated. And frustration is a common feeling in almost every aspect and task for someone who is held back and restricted in their personality.

And here’s the important part: When you’re frustrated, you can never be creative.

Frustration blocks creativity, improvisation, quick wit, etc. You become stuck in your head. You start overthinking things. Which blocks creativity further and creates excessive negative feedback from yourself.

This often happens on dates with women when people get stuck, freeze up, and their mind goes blank. I’m sure you’ve felt that way one time or another.

Horrible feeling, right?

Well, here’s the kicker:

Excessive Negative Feedback Coming From Yourself Creates Inhibition In You

Excessive negative feedback means receiving too much criticism or negative comments about something you’ve done. It’s like getting a lot of disapproving or unkind remarks that can make you feel bad or discouraged.

Well, receiving that from someone else is horrible. But receiving it from Yourself is CATSTROPHIC.

Excessive self criticizm causes inhibition which makes it impossible to be yourself and dampens your personality, making you feel like you're locked in chains.
Excessive self criticizm causes inhibition which makes it impossible to be yourself and dampens your personality, making you feel like you’re locked in chains.

Why? Because you are an authority figure in your own life. You believe your own words by default.

And if you criticize yourself often and too much – it sticks! You start believing it. And it fucks you up inside, eventually.

However, it’s important to understand that the goal of negative feedback is to help adjust and improve our actions, not to completely halt or stop them. It’s meant to guide us in making changes and altering our course of action for the better. Not shut down completely.

But if you’re too sensitive to negative feedback and take it personally or can’t cope with it. You’re screwed. It can destroy your self-esteem.

Sometimes, when we get too much negative feedback or when we’re too sensitive to it, it can stop us from taking any action at all. It’s like we become too afraid or discouraged to continue what we were doing.

When we overreact to criticism, we might think that not only are we doing something wrong. But that it’s also wrong for us to even try to move forward and do anything at all!

When this happens you will start to INHIBIT YOURSELF. Because you’ll be afraid to get any more negative feedback. This effectively PARALYZES you. So you CANNOT BE YOURSELF.

A concrete example of self-inhibition caused by false conclusions

Ok so imagine a sailor is on a boat in stormy weather and he needs to get back to shore.

There’s a lighthouse, but the light is dim and flickering. And the waves are so big they sometimes completely obscur the light. But he needs to get to shore to survive so he sets course for the light and moves towards it.

So he sails towards where he last saw the light and notices after 5 minutes that he’s a bit off course. He checks his course and see that the light is about 20 degrees to the right of where he wanted to go.

He must now recognize that what he’s doing is “wrong.” And if he continues that way, he will not reach the shore. He’ll probably hit rocks or sail somewhere he doesn’t want to go.


He does not conclude, however, that it’s wrong for him to continue sailing.

So he adjusts his course of action and turns to face the light again. And starts moving forward, once again, towards the light.

He didn’t make the conclusion to STOP SAILING ALTOGETHER just because he saw he was wrong. Right?

Yet that’s the conclusion a lot of us are guilty of making. Especially when it comes to expressing ourselves socially, in front of women.

When it comes to our attention that our manner of expression is somehow missing the mark. That our actions or words are not being well-received by some woman and that what we’re doing is not working and is “wrong…” We somehow tend to conclude that self-expression itself is wrong. Or that success with that particular person and trying to reach our goal with them is somehow wrong or impossible.

So we freeze up and stop. Which kills the interaction. And demolishes attraction.

We start being overly-careful, which leads to more inhibition and anxiety

When you try too hard and are being too careful, you often screw up just when it matters most.

With women, this becomes a huge attraction-killing issue. Because you start filtering yourself and your words.

You start trying to think of stuff that will “please her.” Instead of just being present in the moment and having fun with her.

You start trying to find topics of conversation you think SHE will like talking about. Instead of talking about the things that genuinely interest you to find out if she also likes what you like.

And you begin doing other weird shit that kills attraction. Such as being afraid to disagree with her. Afraid to ruffle her feathers by teasing her. Or even showing your own sexuality and talking about sexual topics with her to build sexual tension.

Basically, you’re trying to be on your best behavior, thinking you will somehow impress her with this. But the only thing it accomplishes is the opposite.

It BORES HER out of her mind and only shows that you’re desperate not to upset her or lose her. Because you’re too afraid to show her the real you, thinking she might not like it.

This effectively kills any chances of success you might havewith her. Because boredom and desperation are among the biggest attraction killers.

So remember, excessive carefulness leads to inhibition and tons of anxiety. Due to too much concern for possible failure or “doing the wrong thing.” So you need to stop being a try-hard and learn to relax on your dates.

How to get over the fear of doing the wrong thing

The answer is to practice indifference. By saying to yourself something like “FUCK IT, whatever happens, happens!” and actually believing it.

If you do this, a HUUUUGE weight will be gone from your shoulders. You’ll be able to breathe easy and be in the present moment with the girl so you can enjoy each other’s company. Which is all she wants you to do.

The other answer is to gain a ton of experience with women so you feel indifferent to the outcome by default.

Basically, outcome independence and the abundance mentality with women cures this issue completely. But it only comes with time and results. Or false bravado and “fake it till you make it” mental gymnastics. Although that’s definitely not ideal and is pretty disingenuous.

Real change should come from real results, not from imagined results. But if there’s absolutely no way to get real results, then imagined results will still work.

That’s because your brain and nervous system can’t distinguish real and vividly imagined imagery.

So if you lack any real results with women, you can actually get a decent amount of the abundance mentality by using vivid visualisation techniques. But I won’t go into that here, since this is a huge topic on its own. (Top world-class athletes use visualization techniques all the time as it’s proven by science to work really well)

Caring too much what others think also creates inhibition in you

One more thing that really screws you up and prevents you from being yourself and letting your personality shine is caring too much what others think.

Here’s a really great quote from the author of Psycho-Cybernetics:

When you become too consciously concerned about “what others think”; when
you become too careful to consciously try to please other people; when you
become too sensitive to the real or fancied disapproval of other people—then
you have excessive negative feedback, inhibition, and poor performance.

Whenever you constantly and consciously monitor your every act, word, or
mannerism, again you become inhibited and self-conscious.

You become too careful to make a good impression, and in so doing choke
off, restrain, inhibit your creative self and end up making a rather poor

The way to make a good impression on other people is: Never consciously
“try” to make a good impression on them. Never act, or fail to act, purely for
consciously contrived effect. Never “wonder” consciously what the other person
is thinking of you, how he is judging you.

Picture this: you’re at a party, and all you can think about is what others think of you.

It’s like a never-ending loop playing in your mind. You’re tiptoeing around, trying your best to please every single person in the room. And let me tell you, it’s downright exhausting.

The tiniest hint of disapproval sets off alarms in your head, and it feels like the weight of the world is on your shoulders. It’s like you’ve developed a super-sensitive radar for any hint of disapproval, whether it’s real or all in your head.

But here’s the kicker: all this worry and self-consciousness actually hampers your performance.

It’s like you’re constantly being judged under a microscope, with every act, word, and gesture under scrutiny.

And guess what? It stifles your creativity, leaving you with a lackluster impression.

Now, here’s the secret sauce, which is pretty obvious if you think about it: If you want to make a genuine impact on others, stop trying so hard. Don’t act like someone you’re not, don’t play a role just to impress. Instead, be your authentic self, without obsessing over what others might be thinking. Believe me, it’s the key to making a real impression.

Final Thoughts On Being Your Own Person

This shit is hard. It really is. So I feel for you if you’re having these problems.

But you can handle every single issue from this massive article simply by developing your Self-Esteem and Self-Image.

Seriously, just as I mention in the rant. Working diligently on these two things will solve like 90% of your problems with other people. And you’ll be significantly more successful with women than you were.

There’s no point in learning techniques if you can’t even talk to women because of low self-esteem. Or if you don’t even like yourself. So get this handled first and foremost.

I’m in the process of making a huge video course which helps solve all these issues and more, called Bulletproof Self-Esteem. You can get the first rough draft of 15 out of 20 lessons for free by signing up to my Newsletter.

When you get all this handled, you’ll be able to get lots more numbers and dates with women. And once you start getting plenty of dates, you best learn how to have a successful first date. Or you’ll be wasting a ton of time without any results.

Better yet, check out the guide book below to fast-track your learning process and start getting laid within days:

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saulisdating Written by:

Andrius Saulis has over 15 years of extensive hands-on experience and expertise in the field of Dating, Seduction, Relationships and Social Dynamics. He's helping men all around the world get rid of their insecurities, regain their high self-esteem and confidence, and become successful with women. He teaches men how to attract and seduce women not through manipulative tactics, but by being their genuine, authentic and charming selves, while exuding a flirty, confident and sexy vibe that women can't get enough of. Learn how to have a flawless first date with The Saulis Dating Guide to get as many serious or casual relationships as you want.

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