Let me share something with you which I consider to be one of the most important aspects of being successful with women, and in life in general.
In fact, it’s one of the main reasons why I get laid like a rock star… And I’m a completely average guy in both looks, intellect, wealth, etc.
And no — this important thing is not confidence. In fact, it’s about showing you why confidence is irrelevant for the vast majority of people.
I urge you to read this article in full because I haven’t seen this subject discussed anywhere else and it’s very controversial.
Because let’s face it, you’ve probably heard this all before, ad nauseam: Just be Confident, and all of your problems will be solved!
We hear this everywhere nowadays; in books, movies, games, TV shows, seminars, coaching sessions, psychotherapy, music, and even from other people. It’s also being constantly perpetuated in the mass media:
Can’t get enough women? All you need is confidence, and you’ll do great.
Don’t have the job you want? Just be confident, quit your crappy job and start your own business!
Don’t have enough friends? Just be confident, go talk to people, and you’ll be fine!
And so on, and so forth – a thousand different examples…
But everyone seems to be forgetting a small yet important issue with this little piece of advice… Particularly when it comes to self-confidence and the subject of being confident in general.
So here is the fundamental problem with confidence: It’s not a switch you can magically flip OFF or ON and go from 0% to 100%. So you can then enjoy full, uncompromising, unyielding confidence in everything you do (or be a total loser if you can’t do it).
Sounds familiar? Well, let me break it down for you:
Table of Contents
- 1 There’s No Such Thing As Total Confidence!
- 2 Complete Confidence Is A Myth – And I Call Bullshit!
- 3 The Truth About Self-Confidence And Seduction.
- 4 The Importance Of Developing And Building Self-Confidence The Right Way.
There’s No Such Thing As Total Confidence!
It’s not like you’re either confident, or you aren’t.
Confidence isn’t a switch. It’s more like a volume knob. Which means your confidence levels are constantly in a state of flux throughout your day, changing up or down, depending on the things that are going on in your life and the things that occur to you during your day.
There are no people in this world who go about their day being 100% purely confident in themselves and in every single thing they do, all the time. Simply because there’s no such thing as uncompromising and complete confidence.
That’s because everyone has their doubts, fears, insecurities, trepidations, issues, and problems. No matter how awesome, rich, cool, famous, or perfect they seem to be.
And everyone who tells you otherwise is simply trying to sell you something.
- You don’t feel confident going into that important meeting? Just buy our 10000$ suit and you’ll feel great and get that deal!
- You’re not confident during your job interviews? Just buy our 5000$ watch and they’ll see that you’re an awesome guy!
- Not getting enough attention from women? Our 800$ phone will surely boost your confidence because women will be impressed by it and you’ll seem like a great guy!
- Not confident enough to approach that hot girl? Just buy our Ferrari and you’ll always feel great and confident, and that girl will even approach you herself!
Fact is, confidence is a Multi-Billion-Dollar Industry.
Perpetuating this confidence myth makes a lot of people a massive amount of money. And it pays really well for advertisers, the mass media, the producers of various consumer goods, and everyone else who relies on customers to keep perpetuating the myth that confidence is something that you can attain through their stuff. Or through status, money, looks, and other similar means.
It pays for corporations to keep the population insecure.
There are even entire businesses made around this concept. Here’s an excerpt from a Quora post by Franklin Veaux, a sexuality educator.
If you can convince people that All Women Want Diamonds, you can make billions of dollars selling diamonds to men.
If you can convince people that All Men Want Beauty, you can make billions of dollars selling wrinkle cream to women.
If you can convince people that All Women Want Wealth, you can make billions of dollars selling wealth displays like Rolex watches to men.
If we taught people to be secure, many multibillion-dollar industries would lose vast amounts of money.
I’m not saying there’s a group of corporate executives getting together in a smoke-filled room cackling, “we will plot a conspiracy to keep people insecure!” It’s more subtle than that.
They notice that ads that subtly encourage insecurity sell more product, so that’s the kind of ads they develop. They notice that movies that subtly reinforce gender bias and stories where people go from underdogs to finding unyielding confidence sell more tickets, so that’s the kind of movies they produce.
As sad as it is, plenty of people buy into this bullshit. They end up thinking that if you don’t own a good car, have a nice house, a good job, great clothes, aren’t fit, aren’t super smart, handsome, tall, etc., that you’re NOT WORTHY of having beautiful, fun, sexy, smart, and awesome women in your life!
And so, many people who don’t have those things end up lacking in confidence throughout their daily lives. Simply because they delude themselves into believing they should derive their self-confidence from these and other external things.
That’s a complete and utter crock of shit! So I’ll tell you how to avoid this pitfall.
Complete Confidence Is A Myth – And I Call Bullshit!
You think you need to be confident to get laid a lot? You think you need to be very confident to bang chicks left and right?
Well, think again!
I’ve slept with hundreds and hundreds of girls from around the world. I teach men how to easily get a girlfriend and get laid on the first date – AND I AM IN NO WAY A VERY CONFIDENT GUY!
To me, getting a girlfriend or a fuckbuddy is the easiest thing in the world. But actually KEEPING one for a long time, when you get to know each other on a more intimate and vulnerable level, when all of your and her individual and unique quirks and kinks start to come to light – that shit is tough!
So why do I get laid like a rock star then?
Simply because I realize that pure confidence is bullshit. That confidence is actually something that’s in a constant state of flux and not an ON/OFF switch. So I disregard it completely and instead focus on other things. Like being fun, interesting, charming, sexual, physical, etc. – and my results speak for themselves.
I still get nervous sometimes when approaching women, and don’t feel very confident. I still experience awkward moments when talking. But it’s only natural because I’m human. I’ve learned to deal with these emotions and focus on more important things.
So let me explain what real confidence is to you. And why you can disregard most of it in seduction and still get laid as much as you want.
This is gonna get very technical and pretty ridiculous at first. But bear with me because it’s gonna be worth it!
People’s confidence levels constantly fluctuate throughout the day, and from day to day.
You may feel more confident in the morning than in the evening, or vice versa. You may feel super confident tomorrow, but another day, you may not. Even though nothing noticeable has really changed!
Now I’ll make up an arbitrary system to explain this easier.
Let’s say if you’re uncompromisingly and completely confident in yourself, you’re at 100% confidence. You can do no wrong, everything you do is perfect, and everything that comes out of your mouth is pure gold!
We call it being completely in state. Most people can achieve this, but it’s insanely hard to keep your confidence at 100% for prolonged periods of time and you’d be lucky to be 100% confident even for an hour!
Now, on the opposite side of the self-confidence spectrum, let’s say if you’re incredibly depressed to the point of being suicidal and are actually contemplating committing suicide – you’re at 0% self-confidence.
At this point, you feel as worthless as dirt, a complete waste of human space that can do no right. And you often wish you’d rather die.
With that said, most people in the western world go about their day with base confidence levels of 40-80%, depending on the stuff that’s going on in their lives.
Then there are negative people who are often depressed, sad, angry, anxious, and so on, who have confidence levels BELOW 40%.
So, let’s say that if your base confidence levels are below 40% – you are a negative person. You’re feeling sad, unfulfilled, depressed, or something bad is going on in your life and you’re having a ton of problems. And, if it’s at 40-50% then you’re neither feeling great nor too bad – you’re in a neutral state of confidence.
Personally, in my life, my base confidence levels are nearly always at about 65-75% then, based on this COMPLETELY UNSCIENTIFIC SYSTEM THAT I JUST MADE UP TO MAKE A POINT LATER ON.
But that’s just my base confidence level. It all keeps going up and down and constantly fluctuates between let’s say 40% and 100%, depending on what’s going on and what is happening in my life.
Sometimes I feel like shit, but not depressed enough to ever give up on life, have suicidal thoughts, become self-absorbed, etc. So I can’t say that my confidence has ever gone further down than 30%, ever.
I guess I’m lucky I’m not someone who’s easily depressed. I may wake up feeling tired, grumpy, demotivated and so on. Maybe the weather is shit, maybe something bad has happened, or maybe it’s simply one of those days where you just want to lay in bed all day, and not even talk to other people or do anything.
So, here’s what I’m getting at:
Let’s say there were many days where my confidence sat at around 40-50% and I was feeling… meh…
Other days I’m very confident in myself, let’s say I’m at 80-90% for a whole day – and I feel fucking awesome! I feel motivated to work out, I’m full of energy, I want to do productive shit, and if I talk to someone I meet we usually have a fun time.
And here’s the kicker: I had many dates with different girls in both those states – when my confidence was high, and when it was lowish or neutral – and it DID NOT MATTER!
The outcome was the same; we had fun, we flirted, we laughed, we talked about random stuff, connected and teased each other. There was palpable sexual tension involved, and we more likely than not ended up sleeping that very same day.
When my confidence was low during a particular day, I simply did a few things I’m going to show below, to RAISE IT UP to manageable, enjoyable, and more beneficial levels.
So, even though the definition of self-confidence is that it’s a feeling of trust in one’s abilities, qualities, and judgment. It varies WILDLY from day to day and it’s largely irrelevant in seduction if you know what to do.
All you need to succeed with women is at least SOME confidence. Let’s say at least 40%, so you’re not feeling like complete shit.
Having said that, I’d STRONGLY ADVISE AGAINST going on dates when you’re confidence is below 40% and you’re feeling shitty as it will affect your whole interaction.
Your subconscious behavior and communication will show the girl that you’re feeling like shit, and most of the time she’ll notice that something’s off about you and that you’re full of sadness/negativity/dejection/etc. At this point, you either reschedule your date or use the tips below to RAISE your confidence levels to more manageable levels so you stop feeling this negative way.
The Truth About Self-Confidence And Seduction.
Before I explain what to do to raise your confidence levels up, there’s this issue you should be aware of. Where too many people tell you that all your problems with seduction, women, and life will be solved if you just become more confident!
Confidence, confidence, CONFIDENCE!
As if you could just snap your fingers and suddenly become absolutely confident in yourself!
No one in the world can make you feel confident in an instant, and then have that confidence last indefinitely.
Telling people all they need to do is be confident is a first world conceit!
It’s true though, to some extent. High confidence levels will help you get girls easier and will help you in life in general because people like other people who are sure of themselves.
But don’t panic! To be successful with women, you don’t have to be an all-confident machine going through every situation with 100% assertiveness and uncompromising belief in yourself, “out-alpha-ing” every guy in a 10 mile radius. Which is nigh on impossible, and frankly, ludicrous!
The good news is that on dates, confidence is not the most important thing. Being chill, relaxed and in control of yourself, and knowing what to do is much more important! As long as you have at least a little modicum of confidence in your self, enough to say and do certain things – you’re golden!
If you can atleast touch the girl or say certain things, it’s enough
You don’t have to have glowing confidence to be charming, interesting, fun, or exciting, which are the main things that make up a great interaction.
If you’re at least confident enough to touch the girl when the time is right and say certain things to her, tease her the right way and flirt well enough to elicit a ton of emotions and make your interaction fun and exciting – you’re good to go.
However, I realize some people are not at this point of competence yet. And that there’s a lot of negativity in the world in general, which makes many people depressed, and makes their confidence levels slide down, below, or even far below 30% – into dangerous territory.
And, if you’re someone who’s below my arbitrarily set 30% of confidence and can’t even TOUCH a girl or put your arm around her when it’s the right time, then I’d say you have some deep-rooted psychological issues. Such as various insecurities, problems with self-esteem, etc. that you definitely need to work on!
Sign up for my newsletter where I currently provide a full inner game course for free, if you want help. It’s very in-depth and helpful and will soon be a paid course.
As far as learning to become more confident with girls and developing REAL core confidence so you can raise your base levels of confidence up… It’s a long and arduous process that takes years of real-world experience of accruing reference points for your actions and conversation skills, and getting as much stuff done as possible in the field and in life in general.
It’s about building a life and lifestyle that you want and are feeling happy with. That’s where constant and continuous self-development and improvement comes in.
Developing real confidence takes time
There’s no other way to learn social confidence than the hands-on approach. You just have to get in the thick of things and learn by doing. By having as many interactions with people as you can.
Eventually and with enough experience, you’ll see that it’s not as bad as you think and that it’s even kind of easy. When this happens, you’ll realize you’ve matured and thus you’ll naturally gain more confidence in yourself, raising your base levels up.
However, you can’t learn confidence from a book or a course, or anything similar. You have to learn it yourself, by deciding you’re simply going to keep doing something until you succeed much more frequently at it. Then deal with every incoming problem on your own and become COMFORTABLE with it.
Confidence through competence
It’s the same thing with sports and many other things. Let’s take tennis as an example.
At first, you’re not very confident you can hit your target with the ball, let alone the ball itself. However, if you just practice and keep doing it, thousands upon thousands of times, learning all of the intricacies, figuring out the best ways; what works and what doesn’t – you’ll eventually hit it most if not all of the time.
If someone later tells you to hit a target with it, you’ll be pretty confident that you’ll be able to do so quite easily, as opposed to when you just started.
It’s the same thing with seduction – confidence only comes from experience.
Just like every other person in the world, you aren’t born with experience. So all you can do if you don’t have it is just be CHILL and RELAXED and in control of yourself. And just go through the whole process to the best of your abilities until you learn it and become comfortable with it. Eventually, with enough work put in, the process will become effortless.
This is called confidence through competence.
However, there are many problems with it and you shouldn’t think that all you have to do is devote a certain amount of time to something – and you’ll always be confident and succeed at it.
That’s because even though you WILL become more confident in yourself if you do something for a long time and get great at it, all that confidence still has to be laid on a foundation of a healthy and high self-esteem. As well as some strong and positive core beliefs that you can handle life’s problems as they arise.
Confidence from competence deflates easily
No amount of experience and competence in any one field will help you if you feel like shit in general. If you’re depressed, overwhelmed with problems, are having a shitty day, or experiencing a myriad of other negative events in your life, that confidence can quickly deflate.
Even something as small and unexpected as a cold with a stuffy nose can ruin your day and dissipate all the confidence you’ve acquired through competence. Simply because this negative event affected could affect your day in a really bad way.
So basically, each day of your life comes with new experiences and problems; some good, some bad, some expected, and many others unexpected.
Let’s say you’re feeling super confident that you can go on a stage and speak publicly to 400 people. You’ve done it a dozen times and you feel supremely confident that this time you’re going to nail it as well.
Then something unexpected happens; someone heckles you, or a fight breaks out, or all your ex-girlfriends enter the room in single file, or some loud noise from next door scares the bajeezus out of you, or whatever – anything can happen. And since you can’t see the future, you’re not going to be prepared for most of these things happening. But they’ll still have an effect on your confidence levels, even if you’re the absolute best public speaker in the world due to your competence and experience.
There’s no way to stay 100% confident forever
Or let’s say you’re 100% confident that you can approach a really attractive girl, talk to her, get her number or even take her home straight away because you’ve spent a decade learning how seduction works and are now incredibly good at it. And then, while talking to her, you hear some sappy song playing which reminds you of your ex that you loved and lost and it makes you sad. Or someone who used to bully you in high-school comes over and you feel fear, or a sudden thought pops into your mind which reminds you that you can’t pay your rent this month and are soon going to be evicted…
You think you’re still going to remain confident in your abilities to sleep with that girl? If you are, then you’re a rare unicorn and you should feel proud of that! Not many people can master their emotions.
So I hate to break it to you and to shatter your illusions of ever becoming supremely confident. But there’s really no way to be at a constant 100% because everyone has problems in life, no matter how much time you spend doing something.
But don’t let this discourage you completely. Competence is still a huge confidence builder for many people, and it will raise your base levels up by a lot. Just don’t rely on it completely and think that it’s the end all be all only to become disappointed later when things don’t work out.
Everything that’s worth having in life takes time and effort.
Same thing with raising your self confidence levels up by developing yourself as a person and experiencing life and its many inevitable problems.
Real confidence always requires actual value and hard work, combined with a solid inner game.
If your confidence crumbles in the face of adversity, then it was never real to begin with. It was actually nothing more than false bravado.
Real core confidence is an amazing thing, but it doesn’t come from the ether. To keep its base levels high, it needs to be constructed and fortified over days and even years, mentally and through action. But sadly, many men never even get the chance to even begin developing it.
So I hope you understand that confidence is just one little cog in the machine. It’s just one of MANY things you need to develop when it comes to your ultimate success with women, and in life in general.
Too many people believe that you can just tell someone how to think and act and it will happen immediately.
So, at the risk of sounding like just another twat… Here’s how you need to think and what to do to improve your confidence levels throughout the day.
The Importance Of Developing And Building Self-Confidence The Right Way.
First, you need to understand that it’s all in your head.
Which is awesome, because it means you can LEARN to spike your confidence levels up whenever you need to, by yourself. You can also disregard negative spikes to your confidence by not paying attention to or giving a fuck about what other people say and do to you, at appropriate moments.
So next time you have a date but aren’t feeling it, or next time you want to go out clubbing and want to approach many girls and get some numbers, you can do one or several of the following things, which are PROVEN WAYS to quickly increase your general confidence levels up.
Oh, and I know full well my arbitrary system of confidence levels is bullshit, but let’s roll with it for a little while longer.
Let’s say some activities raise your active confidence levels up by 1%, others by 5%, and others by 10%, or 20%, etc. And because it’s not base levels, that confidence is not everlasting. It only lasts a certain amount of time and then it evaporates until you revert back to somewhere around your base levels.
So, let’s say you have a date in the evening or are about to go out clubbing and sarging, and meeting girls, or whatever you call it.
Daily activities to spike your confidence levels up:
Don’t sweat the accuracy of the following numbers, they’re largely irrelevant and are here just to demonstrate my point.
- Go pump some iron in the gym, or do some form of physical exercise! This one’s very obvious. Working out does wonders for both the body and the mind. It causes certain hormones and chemicals to releas in your blood stream which make you happier, more motivated, and lift your confidence levels up. Hormones such as Dopamine, Serotonin, Oxytocin and all of that jazz. And it lasts a long while, so let’s say it raises your base confidence levels that day by 10-20%, for 2-8 hours, depending on who you are.
- Go talk with people and be social. Talk to family, friends, strangers, acquaintances, and anyone you get a chance! If you have a chance to be social with someone before your date of before you go clubbing – you’ll see a massive difference in results. Because you won’t suddenly be thrown into a new social situation and instead have time to gradually get used to being social that day. So let’s say being social raises your confidence levels up by 5-15% for several hours.
- Go do something productive. When you do something productive successfully, it releases Dopamine – your brains “reward” hormone. It makes you more confident too. Let’s say it raises your base levels by 1-15% for a few hours, depending on what you did and how productive you consider your results to be.
- Go do something charitable. Giving something to someone else with no expectation of anything in return is a great and fulfilling feeling. You don’t have to give money, and even your time, attention, or affection is enough. It also releases some happy hormones and makes you more confident. 1-10%
- Solve a problem successfully. Let’s say 1-10%, depending on the problem.
- Go do something fun. This is so obvious but many people overlook it. If you do some fun activity before you go out or before your date, you’ll be much more confident and joyful than normal, and your results will show it. In fact, one little life-hack to have the best dates of your life is to plan a super fun activity for yourself with your friends, an hour or two before your date. You’ll be incredibly happy, confident, charming, and fun as a result of it, and your date will enjoy your company that much more!
- Go groom yourself. Get a haircut, clip your toenails, trim your beard if you have one – just take care of some part of your body. A lot of people derive their self-confidence from their looks, so take care of yours frequently and you’ll feel better. 1-15% depending on how much you associate your looks with how great you feel.
And so on and so forth – there are many other proven ways to raise your confidence up for the day – some good and some bad, but they all work.
Go do great things and great things will happen
So if you feel like you’re having a shit day, you can still choose to go on your date if you trust in yourself, and it will often work out.
But if you want to hedge your bets and raise your chances of success as much as you possibly can, just go out and do productive, positive, and helpful shit throughout your day. Every little detail counts. Every little positive thing you do successfully adds to that little heap of active self confidence you have during the day.
And if you constantly keep improving yourself, keep exercising, talking to people, doing productive things throughout your days, being generous and friendly, and take care of your own body — THAT SHIT WILL QUICKLY ADD UP AND BECOME A HABIT! And positive habits raise your BASE confidence levels up, little by little!
If you work hard on yourself, you’ll constantly have base levels of 70-90% confidence, which is more than enough to get laid like a mofo! Seriously, you have no idea how easy it is to get laid when you couple this with certain practical things, and once you learn how to connect with women and be engaging.
Finally, a lifehack to boost your certainty, morale and determination
You may have noticed a distinct pattern – I’m always saying that it’s all in your head!
This can be both good and bad. The bad thing is that no matter how confident or competent you get at something, you can always undo all of that with a few negative thoughts. But the opposite is true as well.
It’s helpful because it’s YOU who gives meaning to all of the tasks you perform throughout your day. It’s YOU who assigns how much confidence you’ll get out of each and every one of them. And you do this all subconsciously, automatically.
That’s why it’s all subjective and depends on each person. One guy may get 20% more confident from performing a dance routine, another guy may get 10% more confident during that day because he finally finished the Witcher 3 video game and enjoyed it massively, or something. Another may get 50% more confident because he finally got that fucking rare stamp he really wanted for his collection!
And many people will be able to trick their brains and keep their confidence levels up really high, for a long time. Who’s to say that quickly doing your dishes won’t raise your confidence levels by 50% for that day alone? Who’s to say that phoning your grandparents and having a nice chat for 10 minutes won’t get you to 100% for at least a little while?
Convince your brain that all the positive things you do raise your confidence not by 1% or 2%, but by 10% or 20%, and soon you’ll be able to reach the state of 100% confidence and maintain it for long periods of times throughout your day. Whenever you need to. Just don’t forget they’ll always revert back to baseline eventuall.y.
But don’t take it all from me – what do I know? Sometimes I’m a prat, sometimes a twat, oftentimes just a regular, average, silly dude – and sometimes I’m unstoppable, fucking rambo, the life of the party – the one who gets the model girl who everyone wants and is too depressed to go talk to, the one who gets laid more than 100 next guys combined… and I’m not a confident guy by any stretch of the imagination.
But that’s okay. I don’t need to be. Nor do you.
So remember, there’s a base level of confidence that you need to constantly spend time and effort to develop and maintain. Little by little, throughout your WHOLE LIFE. Or you can choose to neglect it and see it slide to shit until you become a miserable slob who’s also a total loser and degenerate. Don’t be that guy – don’t neglect yourself!
And then there’s the active confidence level, which can spike up or down, depending on random shit that goes on in your daily life. But you can spike that active self confidence level UP UP UP, when and if you need to, by performing various positive, helpful, fulfilling, productive tasks throughout your day!
Now go and take action, or sit at home and jerk off – it’s entirely your choice 🙂 As long as you’re even somewhat confident, between my random 40-100% – it’s all good, provided that you know what to do, of course!
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If you don’t know what to do around women and want my practical stuff so you can have great dates and get laid, go to http://www.saulisdating.com