How to Overcome Low Self-Esteem – The Reason Why Most Men Fail with Women!

Do you want to know how to overcome low self-esteem and improve your self-image, self-love, self-worth, and self-respect?

We all know that when it comes to success with women, attraction and seduction – Inner Game is way more important than Outer Game. We also know that high self-esteem and self respect is absolutely crucial if you want to become someone who is naturally attractive to women, and a likable person in general.

But building confidence and overcoming low self-esteem is not a very easy thing to do, especially if you’re someone who’s currently socially awkward and hasn’t had much success with girls lately. You can’t just snap your fingers and make a complete shift in your way of thinking…

People often e-mail me and ask me how to build and improve self esteem – so I’ll show you.

Below, I’ll explain exactly what self-esteem is. I’ll show you what causes a person to develop a bad image of themselves, and what to do to overcome low self esteem issues and deal with them so that you can start building your general confidence levels up, and transform yourself into a better and more secure man who women naturally find attractive.

But this is not just for success with women – it can apply to anything in life, for both women and men. If you have a high self-esteem and a good self-image, as well as a decent dose of self-respect – you will generally lead a much more happy and fulfilling life. You’ll be able to make better use of various relationship, business, leisure, and other opportunities in life.

It’s going to be a very long and in-depth read – but if you’re someone who’s currently suffering from low self esteem and want to learn how to overcome it – this may be the most important article you’ll read on the subject.

When I was a teenager, I used to have an abysmal sense of self-esteem. But then I realized a few things about life – and now I don’t.

What is Self-Esteem?

Self-esteem is an abstract psychological concept made up to describe a certain part of a person’s human nature.

Its definition is simple – It is confidence in one’s own worth and abilities; self-respect.

And with high confidence in your abilities and decent level of respect for yourself comes self-love, a high sense of self-worth, and a healthy self-image.

All of these things combined make a person confident and secure in himself. That person derives his self worth from within, and is not affected by external things, especially those that he can’t control.

What is Low Self-Esteem?

It’s when we feel and think that we are unworthy as a human being, and that there must be something wrong with us.

It’s when we feel that we are simply “not enough” being just the way we are, and that no one will ever love, respect, or even like us. We think and feel as though we deserve nothing.

This feeling is incredibly gut-wrenching, and people often spiral into depression after having low self-esteem for too long, and become socially withdrawn.

If you don’t learn how to improve your self esteem and confidence levels, you may eventually reach a point where you will think that life just isn’t worth living. A lot of people who struggle with this problem start neglecting themselves, become increasingly anxious, develop an inability to accept compliments, stop being fair to themselves, always accentuate negativity, treat themselves badly, stop trusting in their own opinion, and experience or do many other negative things.

Many people have even committed suicide because of their insanely bad perception of their own self-worth and self image, due to their low self-esteem and lack of confidence.

So it is crucial that people learn how to raise self esteem if they want to lead a happy and healthy life.

What causes a Low Self-Esteem?

There are many different things that can cause a person to have a low self-esteem, a bad image of themselves, and an awful sense of their own worth:

  • When you fail at different tasks throughout your life
  • When you don’t live up to your own expectations
  • If you care too much about the opinions of others and especially what they think of you
  • When you are unable cope with your problems in the right way
  • When you frequently interact with disapproving authority figures
  • If you have very uninvolved and preoccupied caregivers who show that they don’t care about you much or at all
  • If you’re constantly being a victim of bullying, especially when in school
  • If you encounter systematic punishment, neglect or abuse, particularly while being a child
  • If you constantly fail to meet your parental or peer-group standards and expectations
  • If you experience various random traumatic events in your life, horrible accidents, death of loved ones
  • If you have internalized bad belief systems
  • Not living up to society’s standards
  • Being on the receiving end of other people’s stress or distress.
  • Belonging to a family or social group that other people are prejudiced towards
  • Experiencing a complete absence of praise, warmth, affection or interest from others
  • Being the odd one out, at home, work, or at school.

The list can go on and on – these are just a few of the main causes…

Also, you may notice a distinct pattern in them – most of these involve other people! And if they don’t, they involve you, and no one else…

That’s because pretty much everything that you do in life involves someone else, unless you’re living in a secluded cave in the mountains!

There are over 7.5 Billion people on this planet, and being able to socialize with others is a key skill to have if you want to lead a happy and good life.

And that’s where most people fail – because sadly, parents, teachers, and other influential guardians in your life usually don’t take the time to teach you the massive importance of social skills, and don’t teach you the skills themselves.

As a result, people just wing it – they improvise as they go along, and the majority end up developing lackluster social skills and fail at interacting with other people the right way…

And that’s what puts many individuals on the fast track to low self-esteem land!

HOWEVER, the main cause of low self-esteem that people tend to forget – IS YOU!

Yes, it’s all up to you and how you interpret the various events in your life, how you deal with them, and how you COPE with them.

So I’m going to talk about one of the lesser-known but very important aspects of self-esteem:

How you as a person CHOOSE to deal and cope with the various problems that come your way!

This is one the most important concepts when it comes to building confidence and getting your self-esteem issues fixed and handled.

If you can cope with your problems in the right way – you will develop a healthy self-esteem.

Conversely, if you can’t cope with your problems, or cope with them in the wrong way – you develop a low and unhealthy self-esteem which you then have to work very hard to overcome…

Which basically means something that I think you’ve suspected all along… That it’s all in your head!

So, the better you can deal and then cope with your various problems in life, the more confident you become in your own worth and abilities, and the more self-respect you develop as a result.

Sounds pretty straightforward so far, right? 

Well, it gets a bit more complicated than that…

Let’s get this straight – Life isn’t fair!

Life is not fair, and a lot of it depends on the circumstances that you were born under. Were your parents rich or poor? Did you end up with good or bad genes? Were you born in a rich and peaceful or a war-torn and poor country? What race card did you randomly draw? What opportunities randomly presented themselves in your life? The questions go on and on…

Luck of the draw, in other words.

And as people go through life, they want to succeed at various things that they do. Everyone wants all the best stuff for themselves; whether that stuff is money, love, fame, possessions, friendships, property, prosperity, enlightenment, and whatever else you can think of. And throughout your life, you go and interact with other people, and you make your wants and needs known to them.

But here’s the kicker – you don’t always get what you want!

In fact, you rarely do. And guess what that does to you, and everyone else?

It knocks you down a peg, and often makes you realize that the world doesn’t revolve around you, and that there are other people in this world who want all of the same stuff that YOU want – to happen to them as well. Other people also want everything you want, and there are more than 7.5 BILLION of them running around this little planet we call Earth!

So, when people don’t get what they want – they have to somehow cope with it.

And the way they cope with these things is exactly what determines their eventual level of self-esteem!

You can see this effect most profoundly at certain stages of a person’s life, particularly to individuals of certain ages when they experience radical shifts in their thinking, and are forced to socialize with others.

For example, when a child enters the stage of early adolescence and starts going to primary school (or kindergarten), he starts interacting with other children and with teachers, and learns about life, and gradually sees and realizes just how unfair it is.

How he interacts with these people will greatly determine what kind of self-esteem he’ll have.

But, as mentioned above, this all HIGHLY depends on that particular child’s social skills. And since most people at that age have not been explicitly taught any social skills by their parents, peers, or anyone else – that’s where most problems begin!

So, when he goes to kindergarten or primary school and interacts with everyone – if his peers like him and he makes many friends, if he gets a lot of praise, if he the gets attention, validation, and other similar things that he wants from others – he will develop a good self-image and sense of self worth – and naturally developing and building high self esteem becomes a piece of cake for him!

Conversely, if he gets none of these things, or only very little – he’ll have a low self-esteem and will eventually start experiencing various psychological issues because of it.

The Main Stage – High-School

Ahh, High-School… the place where most boys and girls aged 14-18 go to get their self-esteem completely crushed and destroyed!

For the majority of young people, it’s as close to survival of the smartest and the fittest as they will ever get to experience in our modern world…

Most teens who go there don’t get what they want. They get denied friendships, dating opportunities, sex, money, acceptance, adoration, validation, and many other important things from other students.

Again, everyone wants all the best things to happen to them – but since we’re not living in a fairy tale – we usually don’t get what we want.

And when you get denied the things that you want – if you don’t know how to cope with all of that, you will develop a very low self-esteem, just like I did once.

And here’s the funny part:

High-school is around the time when most people’s hormones start raging and causing them a lot of unnecessary distress. It’s the time when a lot of guys discover their incredible hornyness and lust for the majority of girls that they see or meet.

So what do they do?

Some just suppress it because of past failures and a realization that they lack the social skills or the “coolness” of others around them, but others start approaching. But if the guys who approach haven’t naturally developed a lot of confidence along with good social skills by then – they’re pretty much screwed.

In fact, a lot of different surveys conducted in the United States and some parts of Europe show that most guys are completely unhappy with their high-school experience, just because they didn’t get laid all that much or at all.

Most guys don’t get laid in high-school, period. Even though they desperately want to!

If you are socially awkward or a nerd – high-school will usually be one of the worst experiences in your life, which can destroy you as a person and cause you to have a low self-esteem for years to come. And that will carry on to college, to work, and to later stages of your life… and it’s exactly why a lot of people later seek professional psychological help and pay a lot of money for shrinks.

When you’re in high-school and you start becoming very interested in girls, you naturally want to approach and talk to them, get to know them, and ask them out. But there are so many other people around you, that you know if you screw up – everyone’s going to see it! You start fearing rejection, fearing the reactions of others, imagining a lot of bad outcomes, and start feeling inadequate. Some people never end up approaching, but others do…

And then BOOM – most guys in high-school get rejected, simply because they didn’t really know what to do when approaching, they haven’t developed their social skills enough, and didn’t know how to talk to girls.

I’m sure that, just like me, you have been rejected a lot by girls.

And how well will you cope with that rejection?

This is the most important point that I am going to make – how well will you cope with the fact that you got rejected?

I’m using rejection as a random example – to demonstrate this point. I could have just as easily used something else.

In any case, if you cope with getting rejected like this in a healthy way, if you understand the fact that you can’t always get what you want, and that rejection is a normal and natural part of life, and that it’s actually good for you because it allows you to learn and improve yourself and prevents you from wasting your time on the people who reject you because they obviously want nothing to do with you – you will develop a high self-esteem and have no issues with women.

However, if you cope with it in a bad way or a wrong way – like a lot of guys do at that age – you’ll pretty much end up here – wondering how to overcome low self-esteem…

As an example, if you get rejected but think that you somehow DESERVE to have any girl that you want, and then get pissed or throw a hissy fit when that doesn’t happen.

Or maybe you think that she didn’t like you because you were too ugly, too short, too thin, dorky, and various other random irrelevant things…

Or if you start thinking that something must be wrong with you if everyone keeps rejecting you…

Or maybe you got rejected and you started becoming AFRAID of asking other girls out, especially in front of other people….

Or maybe you got so affected by this rejection that you started feeling nervous around girls that you’re interested in, because you don’t want to get rejected anymore…

The list can go on and on again – there are many bad ways to cope with this and similar problems.

And it doesn’t matter what the real problem is – if you cope with them in a bad way, you’ll start developing insecurities and other psychological issues. And that’s where it all starts going downhill.

So you see, low self-esteem and its various issues become deep-rooted as people develop them while growing up, through many, many years of various life stages and experiences – mostly negative ones that happened to them and they didn’t know how to cope with in a healthy way.

Which means that these issues come from a person’s upbringing, from the way they lived their life and what problems they dealt with, and how they coped with those problems, and whether they knew how to cope with them in the right way or not.

And who’s to blame? Again, sadly, your parents, teachers, and various caregivers are to blame…

Why? Because they’ve never taught you when you were little about what self-esteem is, and how to increase it and raise it to high levels. No one has taught you how to cope with your problems.

Because if you know how to cope with the negative stuff, these negative experiences will stop affecting your self-worth, and you will always determine your self-esteem yourself – and not base it on other external things. Especially the things that you have no control over!

How to deal with your self-esteem issues, improve, and raise it

Like I said, it’s all pretty much in your head. It has to do with your whole perception of the world, and heavily relies on the mindsets that you employ every day, and on the various belief systems and core beliefs that you’ve internalized.

So in short, you have to change the way you think!

But that’s not a very easy thing to do!

One option is to apply Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), but it’s quite complicated, and requires a trained psychologist to help you. The core principles of CBT are identifying negative or false beliefs and testing or restructuring them.

But that’s not a very accessible option for a lot of people, and requires a lot of time, money, and effort.

Another way is to simply change how your mind works by yourself.

But it involves doing some very weird mental gymnastics.

For example, it’s about learning the reality of life:

  • That there are some things that you can’t control and can’t change
  • That you can’t have and will never have everything that you want
  • That not everyone is going to like you, no matter what you do, no matter who you are, and no matter what you look like
  • That there are always going to be people who simply don’t like you and want to harm you
  • That there is a lot of injustice in the world, and you can’t help everyone
  • That no one truly cares about you except you, and your family
  • That you are not someone special – you are not the hero of the story, because there are no heroes, only individuals living their lives as best they can

And many other important concepts.

Getting a huge reality check can blow your gasket and break your whole worldview, but you need to grow the fuck up and accept this, and stop sheltering yourself from the realities of life.

If you don’t get yourself in order, if you don’t pull your shit together – NO ONE WILL DO IT FOR YOU. And you will lead a mediocre, unhappy, unfulfilled life with no real value.

This may sound depressing as shit, but these realizations are a little preparation for the next step:

Learning how to deal with your insecurities

You can’t fix, raise or improve your self-esteem if you first don’t get rid of your various insecurities. Stuff like nervousness, shyness, anxiety, fear, self-doubt, and many similar things. They are the key in learning how to overcome low self-esteem.

Now, I’m not going to write the exact ways to fix all of these things here, because I have already done so, in a collection of articles.

And I’ll give them to you right now, for absolutely nothing…

I have created a full Inner Game Course, consisting of proven practical and mental ways to fix all of these problems and more.

I used to sell it for 20$, but at some point, I realized that before learning any of the practical stuff of attraction and seduction, people have to first get their shit together and learn how to overcome low self-esteem and other inner game issues that prevent them from being great with women.

So I’ll give you all of the lessons in my in-depth course for FREE, because I sincerely want you to succeed and avoid feeling like shit because of failures or inadequacy with women.

All you have to do is sign up for the course by clicking the Red Paper Airplane Icon on your left, (or filling two fields below this article) and you’ll get it in your e-mail inbox. Each in-depth lesson will be sent to you once per day, but be sure to check your spam folder as it can land there.

Also, they are automated to be sent at a set time each day, so don’t worry if you don’t receive it right away.

The lessons in the course are:

  • One – Boundaries
  • Two – Anxiety
  • Three – Nervousness
  • Four – Fear
  • Five – Changing Yourself and Negative Core Beliefs
  • Six – How to Deal with Any Real or Perceived Shortcomings
  • Seven – Grit
  • Eight – Looks, Money, Status are Irrelevant
  • Nine – Honesty and Genuine Authenticity
  • Ten – Being Non-Judgmental
  • Eleven – Yout Personal Value, and Your Values
  • Twelve – Mastering your Emotions
  • Thirteen – Fourteen – Fifteen, etc – In development (the course is not done yet)

And a few other ones…

And why is the first lesson titled Boundaries?

That’s pretty simple, because dealing with most of your psychological issues starts at this critical point – learning how to set healthy and solid boundaries that other people won’t cross without consequences. Those consequences can simply include you removing the people who cross your boundaries from your life and not interacting with them again.

In any case, if you as an individual cannot set healthy and solid boundaries, there is no point in learning how to deal with any of your other issues because you will usually just revert back to your old self again, once people start abusing you.

And there you have it. I’m giving you the perfect way to solve your inner-game issues and to learn how to overcome low self-esteem.

These lessons are very in-depth – pretty much like this article, except for one thing – they ALL contain at least one proven practical lesson that you can do which is guaranteed to help you solve that problem if you apply yourself to it.

But you have to read them fully in order, as they all build on each previous one.

Trust me, this is required reading if you want to get your Inner Game handled, and then focus on Outer Game. It helped hundreds of my private coaching students deal with their issues.

That said, if you truly believe that you have your shit together and are ready for the practical stuff – something that me and my students use to get laid with literally hundreds of girls on the first date, consistently – then head on over to and read it.

Good luck!


saulisdating Written by:

Andrius Saulis has over 15 years of extensive hands-on experience and expertise in the field of Dating, Seduction, Relationships and Social Dynamics. He's helping men all around the world get rid of their insecurities, regain their high self-esteem and confidence, and become successful with women. He teaches men how to attract and seduce women not through manipulative tactics, but by being their genuine, authentic and charming selves, while exuding a flirty, confident and sexy vibe that women can't get enough of. Learn how to have a flawless first date with The Saulis Dating Guide to get as many serious or casual relationships as you want.


  1. Anonymous
    September 18, 2017

    Amazing content

  2. Jakub Wawryca
    November 18, 2018

    Hi, cant find the newsletter anywhere

  3. saulisdating
    June 16, 2023

    Hey, I’m rewriting the Inner Game Course completely, it will be about 20 lessons in total, and eventually turned into a video course. Should be done this year 🙂 Thanks for your patience and interest.

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